Conquest, Part One

People throw the word "conquer" around far too loosely nowadays. Any old accomplishment can just be flippantly referred to as "conquering." People "conquer" obstacles, anxieties and massive plates of food. But what about those great conquerors of history who actually conquered people. Nay, civilizations!

I shudder when I imagine what they would think if they were to hear some dude openly discuss his feelings with something like,"I think I've finally conquered my fear of intimacy."

Genghis Khan must weep from conqueror heaven when he hears the word bandied about so carelessly by people who couldn't even hold his sword, let alone swing it.

Real conquest is an art form. It's not just about crushing your enemies' skulls beneath your feet; it's all in how you do it.

In that spirit, below is a list of my favorite moments from some of the greatest conquerors of history.

1. The Siege of Constantinople

Sultan Mehmed II -- or as he would later be called, Mehmed the Conqueror -- was only in his early 20s when he earned the attention of the known world. For almost two months, the young sultan laid siege to what had become the center of Western civilization after the fall of Rome. Constantinople was well-fortified, if not a bit undermanned, and Mehmed had his work cut out for him as a result.

The sultans before him had inched closer to the prize city, but none had dared attack. Perhaps it was audacious youth or the constant fire that drives all men to always desire more than they have. Or maybe he was just bored. Whatever the reason, Mehmed the Twentysomething marched West with his army and his ships and his... whatever else a conqueror brings with him to a conquering.

Concubines, maybe? I like to imagine that he had several tents just for smoking hookah, but I don't think tobacco had been invented yet. Well, in my Mehmed fantasy, he had a shitload of hookahs, so take that stupid historical timeline!

Mehmed's men spent almost two months laying siege to the ancient and beautiful city. Like all great sieges, this one ended with a dramatic collapse of the walls that defended the city, the flood of Turkish soldiers, the brutal (but thoroughly prudent) killings of enemy soldiers and, of course, three days of sanctioned raping and pillaging. Like ya do.

That's all fine and dandy. What makes Mehmed stand out as a conqueror is what allegedly happened when he entered the great city.

The story goes that he fell to his knees and quoted a line of Persian poetry:

"The spiders weave the curtains in the palace of the Caesars / The owls call the watches in the towers of Afrasiab."

Not only did Mehmed the Conqueror basically accomplish literally the most amazing thing someone could do at the time, when he did it, he fell to his knees and quoted poetry about the passing of all greatness.

Then, he probably went and made love to every single woman in his harem.

2. The March to the Sea

A good conqueror knows when to show mercy. A great conqueror knows when to show absolutely none at all.

General William T. Sherman falls into the latter category. Sherman was less of a misfit than Ulysses S. Grant but he was no less made for the kind of fighting that the Civil War would demand. Sherman, who was ever-loyal to the Union, chastised a Southern secessionist friend of his: "You people of the South don't know what you are doing.... It is all folly, madness, a crime against civilization!"

And Sherman would make sure that he himself would be the instrument of retribution for that crime. Several times, he condemned the notions of Southern gallantry and romantic ideas of war, which he thought fool-hearted.

By the end of the war, Sherman wanted to tear the heart from the South, so he started in Atlanta. Things got off to a great start when, after he conquered the city, he evacuated the civilians and burned every government building down.

For over a month, Sherman's men marched the 300 miles from Atlanta to the beautiful port town of Savannah, destroying everything in their path. No good conquering is complete without some signature flourishes. Though his men did the usual raping and burning of crops, they also took the time to melt down train tracks to wrap around trees, in case the people they were conquering might forget that they had just been completely conquered.

Sherman was out for blood, and to punish the hubris of the South, which he clearly blamed for starting the whole mess to begin with.

However, I think Sherman's greatest flourish was not in what he destroyed, but in what he didn't. When he reached Savannah, he wrote President Lincoln a letter offering the port city to Lincoln as a Christmas present, sparing it the fate that had befallen all 300 miles of Georgia behind him and his army.

Take that, secessionists!