Conquest, Part Two

You may have been wondering to yourself why I had only two conquerors about whose praises I wished to sing last night. Of course there are more ruthless commanders of armies and empires that have not only quashed their enemies but have done so with flair and style. The first two were simply to whet your appetite for more. Also, I was tired and I had to be up early today.

You win again, practical considerations!

Like the inexorable march of these great conquerors, our tribute to them continues. Let us not squander any more of our precious mortal moments with trite prattle and delve straight to the matter that... well, matters.

3. Who Needs Cups?

The problem with some of the earlier conquerors is that there's as much myth about them as there are concrete facts. On the plus side, though, we can choose to believe those myths, put our fingers in our ears and shout "LALALALALALALALA!" at anyone who might come at us with pesky contradicting evidence.

For example, the so-called Khan Krum (or as his friends knew him, Krum the Horrible), who was leader of the Bulgarian proto-state in the late 8th and early 9th centuries A.D., may have had a few details about his life exaggerated. He is credited with doubling the borders of the first Bulgarian empire, which is not really in dispute.

The territory he controlled was actually larger than the modern Bulgarian state.

Blahblahblah.

The reason Khan Krum deserves to be singled out here is not because he expanded territory or established rule of law or because of his awesome name. Most of what he did was run-of-the-mill conqueror stuff. Krum deserves homage for how he handled his enemies.

Specifically, the Byzantine Emperor Nikephoros I. Nikephoros began to worry about Krum's expansion through the Balkan peninsula and, as any good emperor would do, began to attack his rival's holdings. The Byzantine emperor roamed Krum's lands and pillaged and raped and burned things down, willy-nilly.

Nikephoros earned his reputation as a bit of a hardass when he started smashing Bulgarian children to death with grinding stones.

In fact, Nikephoros was so successful that he eventually sacked and plundered Krum's capital.

"But wait!" you are likely thinking. "I thought this one was about Krum? Not some Greek dude prancing around, tearing up turnips from the ground? I demand badassery!"

Worry not, my lovelies!

While Nikephoros was busy pillaging, Krum was mustering all the support he could. As Nikephoros returned to Constantinople, made confident by his recent victory, Krum and basically all the tribes of Bulgaria ambushed the procession, completely destroying the Greek army and killing the emperor.

Good show, Krum!

Now, the story goes that the victorious Krum then had his opponent's head severed, his skull cut open, the inside of the skull cap plated with silver and turned into a goblet for the drinking of wine and spirits!

That may or may not be true, but as far as I'm concerned, it is as true as I want it to be.

Next time you're drinking blood-red wine, raise your glass and belt out a single, guttural syllable in homage to the man for whom killing his enemy wasn't enough, so he made a goblet of his rival's skull cap: KRUM!